Right now, I am so frightened that my own mental health problems will be my downfall where horses are concerned. These are big animals and will try it on with you given half the chance. But, I just seem to have lost everything (confidence in myself, confidence with them) that I had all those years ago.
Granted, I’m not as young as I was and I’m sicker but I still have strength, both mentally and physically, so where am I going wrong?
On a side note and very much related, I have just got over a cold that gave me a horrid sore throat and I was getting a little worried because the ‘sore throat’ didn’t seem to be going away. But, I’ve discovered that it’s one of my old problems back again with a vengeance. Acid reflux. I’ve been diagnosed with a 2cm hiatus hernia (i.e. my stomach is 2cm into my oesophagus, obviously where it shouldn’t be) and this is the reason for my acid problems. Of course, the consultant said, “Oh, there are 100′s of people walking around with this problem right now.” Yeh, right, nice bed-side manner and not at all reassuring. The fact is, this problem can get worse and can need surgery.
Could this acid be the result of stress and worry due to the horse-situation? I’m already in a quandary. My brain is working over time to try and figure out a solution to this ‘problem’ in the way my disordered mind works. I’m scared that my inability to deal with snappy horses will affect my confidence with horses for good. I mean, you don’t like knowing that in almost every stable you go into, you are faced with a horse’s backside or their teeth.
Only yesterday, I went into one pony’s stable to put on her rug (she’s in season) and she was whipping round, swishing her tail and stamping her foot, keeping me right where she needed me – in firing range. I had to call on another girl to help me! I’ve never had to do that before. Was she just being ‘marish’ or had she been upset by me prior to this, or upset by someone else? I’ve no idea and it bothers me.
Have I completely lost it forever? Is my time with horses over? Am I the one in need of therapy with horses?